i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
