i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
