I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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