Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
