She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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