Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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