btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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