Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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