I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
