the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
