i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
