8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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