Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
