So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
