this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
