you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
