I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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