Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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