Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
