A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
