she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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