I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
