i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize