similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
