I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Threesome in a minivan. New low
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
