Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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