I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
