You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
