did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
fuck your aforementioned shoe
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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