I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
