Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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