Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
