quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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