I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
