I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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