Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
