i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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