Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
