His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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