i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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