i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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