dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
