I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
