can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
