The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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