exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
