So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I didn't notice because vodka
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
