Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
