Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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