I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
