I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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