Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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