My Higher Power is John Stamos
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Pants are for mortals
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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