Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
